My wife and I know each other in part because we both worked for the same fantastic daycare - St. Lukes Infant Care Center, in Austin Tx. So it should come as no surprise that we have professionally honed infant care skills. Some important things we learned there are that there are two key components you develop when you get good at caring for infants.
1) A personal style of care. How you hold a child, how you feed them and talk to them etc.- all of that involves subtle differences from caregiver to caregiver. When you care for infants professionally you find the way to do these things comfortably and with confidence, and that becomes your style. As a first time dad, it doesn't hurt to take advice on how to care for your child, but don't feel constrained to follow instructions exactly. Do what feels right for you and do it with confidence, and your baby will respond to the non-verbal queues in a positive manner.
2) The ability to adapt that style to the child. Quality care of an infant means you watch them, you listen to them, and you pay attention to what they've been doing so you can try to decipher and anticipate their needs - whether physical or emotional. Then you figure out how to apply your style of care to that child, because what works for one baby often won't work exactly the same way for another child.
So here's the problem. We both love our child and care for him more deeply then we ever could for a child at the daycare. And for all the reasons mentioned above, we don't agree one hundred percent on every aspect of caring for our child. Disagreement plus high charged emotion - can you see where this is going?
We could have fought about it, hurting feelings and spreading guilt along the way. However I'm happy to say this is where my wife and I click really well. We sat down and shared our thoughts and discussed the differences in a very constructive manner. We took stock of our own feelings and talked about them too just to clear the air of any ill will. When we were done, it all fell into place for me.
Friction is the price of Quality when responsibilities are shared. If one or both of the parents are uninterested in the care of their child, then most things are just "good enough". But if both parents are concerned about the care of their child then from time to time they will disagree and that's okay. Hopefully, by remembering this we can keep things in perspective and continue to deal with the friction constructively.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Changes are inevitable
And by that I mean diaper changes! My first and most important piece of advice on this topic: Just Do It. If you want to help mom recover, if you want to participate meaningfully towards the rearing of your child then this is the most immediate and obvious way to do it.
It's also a task well suited to Dad. One of the themes I am going to develop in this blog is that as a general rule, women are better caregivers because they get training men do not. This is a deep topic that I will dig into later, but for now just think about diaper issues as compared to other baby issues. Unlike comforting a fussy baby, or putting them to sleep, a dirty diaper is a simplistic and linear problem, with a well established solution. It's a problem that can be predicted and prepared for. It's a largely mechanical process that you can learn to do efficiently with practice.
Luckily there is a wealth of information about this online. I've reviewed many of them and recommend the following:
A few more things to think about:
Logistics - get everything you need before you start, so you don't have to walkaway mid-change.
Timing - when possibly try to change your baby *before* they get fussy.
Bedside manner - Imagine getting examined by a doctor who never said a word? Kinda creepy huh? So make small talk with your baby when changing their diaper.
Vigilance - Diaper rash is your enemy. The first line of defense is frequent changes, so check for a wet or dirty diaper every hour or so. The second line of defense is an early response, so be on the lookout for the first signs of a red bottom and use that diaper creme.
It's also a task well suited to Dad. One of the themes I am going to develop in this blog is that as a general rule, women are better caregivers because they get training men do not. This is a deep topic that I will dig into later, but for now just think about diaper issues as compared to other baby issues. Unlike comforting a fussy baby, or putting them to sleep, a dirty diaper is a simplistic and linear problem, with a well established solution. It's a problem that can be predicted and prepared for. It's a largely mechanical process that you can learn to do efficiently with practice.
Luckily there is a wealth of information about this online. I've reviewed many of them and recommend the following:
- Basic but thorough instructions on what to do.
- Good and simple video demonstrating these techniques.
- What the real thing looks like.
A few more things to think about:
Logistics - get everything you need before you start, so you don't have to walkaway mid-change.
Timing - when possibly try to change your baby *before* they get fussy.
Bedside manner - Imagine getting examined by a doctor who never said a word? Kinda creepy huh? So make small talk with your baby when changing their diaper.
Vigilance - Diaper rash is your enemy. The first line of defense is frequent changes, so check for a wet or dirty diaper every hour or so. The second line of defense is an early response, so be on the lookout for the first signs of a red bottom and use that diaper creme.
Friday, May 29, 2009
The important stuff
My father passed away a year ago today. My son will be his first male grandchild of a male child - so he can carry on the family name. I know that's very traditional in an increasingly non-traditional world, but in this case I like the idea that my son has a little of my father in him.
I could write a book about all the things I learned from my dad, but among the most important lessons were how to be a father. When I was growing up my family was poor. I've no need to belabor the point, or share bleak tales of our poverty. Much to the contrary I'm proud of my background. My father worked long and hard to support our family, and he never stopped. And though at times we lacked food, or basic utilities, we *never* applied for welfare.
You see my dad lavished us with what mattered - attention, love, hope and wisdom. He was never discouraged so neither were we. He was never bitter or angry and so we were happy. I've been thinking about my childhood for years trying to distill the ingredients that made our family so content and durable. Don't get me wrong - we had our fair share of fights, and my dad had his ways of dealing with them. But he would teach his lessons without crushing our self-esteem, discipline us without tyranny.
My dad *couldn't* give us the toys or the clothes or the cars that we longed for growing up (though I know he wanted to). That's why poverty was such a gift. Strip away the material things and what's left is the important stuff. He took the time to teach us a lesson when we deserved it, and the time to play with us when we were good. He chastised us for making a bad decision but he had the strength and humility to listen to us when we argued back. Then he had the restraint to point out why are judgment was flawed and his was better, and the consequences of being wrong. I'm embarrassed now to recall some of the things I said to him in my youth. If someone talked to me that way my blood would boil over with the urge to hit something/someone. But I don't...because I learned better then that...from my dad.
I don't miss the things poverty deprived us of growing up - how can you miss what you never had? But I had a wise and fair and loving father growing up - and I do miss him dearly, now that he is gone. So I will gather up all the things he gave to me and pour them into my son, to continue that most important tradition of all - being a father.
I could write a book about all the things I learned from my dad, but among the most important lessons were how to be a father. When I was growing up my family was poor. I've no need to belabor the point, or share bleak tales of our poverty. Much to the contrary I'm proud of my background. My father worked long and hard to support our family, and he never stopped. And though at times we lacked food, or basic utilities, we *never* applied for welfare.
You see my dad lavished us with what mattered - attention, love, hope and wisdom. He was never discouraged so neither were we. He was never bitter or angry and so we were happy. I've been thinking about my childhood for years trying to distill the ingredients that made our family so content and durable. Don't get me wrong - we had our fair share of fights, and my dad had his ways of dealing with them. But he would teach his lessons without crushing our self-esteem, discipline us without tyranny.
My dad *couldn't* give us the toys or the clothes or the cars that we longed for growing up (though I know he wanted to). That's why poverty was such a gift. Strip away the material things and what's left is the important stuff. He took the time to teach us a lesson when we deserved it, and the time to play with us when we were good. He chastised us for making a bad decision but he had the strength and humility to listen to us when we argued back. Then he had the restraint to point out why are judgment was flawed and his was better, and the consequences of being wrong. I'm embarrassed now to recall some of the things I said to him in my youth. If someone talked to me that way my blood would boil over with the urge to hit something/someone. But I don't...because I learned better then that...from my dad.
I don't miss the things poverty deprived us of growing up - how can you miss what you never had? But I had a wise and fair and loving father growing up - and I do miss him dearly, now that he is gone. So I will gather up all the things he gave to me and pour them into my son, to continue that most important tradition of all - being a father.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Don't fumble the ball
No matter the manner of birth (vaginal, c-section) recovery for mom will be a slow and painful process. My job as the father is to help mom recover, which means helping care for my child. To do this I must first master the basic skill "How to hold a newborn baby". When teaching this skill to men, it is most often compared to...holding a football. Watch this video and think 'baby' where they say 'football'.
I was an infant care teacher for 6 years and I am very experienced and very comfortable holding babies. And yet, holding a newborn is slightly different and thus worth explaining.
For you first time dads out there, I recommend you ask someone to swaddle the baby for your first time. Position the baby with their head in the crook of your elbow facing up, put their butt in your hand and hold them close to your body like a football. I'm right handed, so I tend to hold Gabe in my left arm so I'm still free to do things like grab a pacifier or handle a bottle. When this gets comfortable then try it again without the swaddle blanket, but be careful to support their neck.
Cradling their neck takes a little getting used too, especially when handing the baby off. Here's how I do it. When someone offers me the baby I:
1.) Put my right hand underneath their neck, then
2.) I work my left underneath their butt.
3.) Then I lift the baby and swing their neck into my left elbow, then remove my hand.
I've posted a quick video to demonstrate. This is just a way to get started, but soon you'll figure out all kinds of ways to hand that baby back and forth.
Here's a few more thoughts on holding a newborn baby:
- Remain calm. Newborns pick up on all kinds of non-verbal queues so if you get anxious or nervous this will add to the babies discomfort. More on this later...
- Hold the baby often. You want the baby to get used to your smell, how you hold him, how your body feels etc. Familiarity breeds comfort (for the baby and you).
- Talk to the baby. The baby will recognize your voice within hours and will soon associate it with comfort.
I was an infant care teacher for 6 years and I am very experienced and very comfortable holding babies. And yet, holding a newborn is slightly different and thus worth explaining.
For you first time dads out there, I recommend you ask someone to swaddle the baby for your first time. Position the baby with their head in the crook of your elbow facing up, put their butt in your hand and hold them close to your body like a football. I'm right handed, so I tend to hold Gabe in my left arm so I'm still free to do things like grab a pacifier or handle a bottle. When this gets comfortable then try it again without the swaddle blanket, but be careful to support their neck.
Cradling their neck takes a little getting used too, especially when handing the baby off. Here's how I do it. When someone offers me the baby I:
1.) Put my right hand underneath their neck, then
2.) I work my left underneath their butt.
3.) Then I lift the baby and swing their neck into my left elbow, then remove my hand.
I've posted a quick video to demonstrate. This is just a way to get started, but soon you'll figure out all kinds of ways to hand that baby back and forth.
Here's a few more thoughts on holding a newborn baby:
- Remain calm. Newborns pick up on all kinds of non-verbal queues so if you get anxious or nervous this will add to the babies discomfort. More on this later...
- Hold the baby often. You want the baby to get used to your smell, how you hold him, how your body feels etc. Familiarity breeds comfort (for the baby and you).
- Talk to the baby. The baby will recognize your voice within hours and will soon associate it with comfort.
Hour Zero
I'm a first time dad but a long time infant caregiver (more on this later) so my "first" experiences are a mixed bag of profoundly new and ho hum routine. But that first hour after Gabriel was born - that was a whirlwind blur of emotion and excitement and joy overflowing. One moment I am concentrating on my wife who was out of breathe and pushing to exhaustion and the next moment our son is entering the world with a scream...
From that moment on things get blurry, but in a good way. I recall snippets. Nurses wiping him with towels as he screamed under the warming lamp, scrambling to get my camera out to take pictures, getting the first weight and length in the Labor and Delivery room, helping the nurse to hold his feet to get footprints for the birth certificate, checking on my wife still in bed, watching him fuss as he was swaddled and then carrying the bundle of happiness to my wife. My adrenaline is pumping just thinking about it - the most intense experience in my life to date. As a dad I recommend you have someone else in the room in charge of taking videos and pictures, because life is far to distracting at that moment to let you document it. But afterward you will want those precious moments recorded for posterity.
This is my new happy place. This is the place in my mind where I can go to channel joy and excitement and energy into my daily life. This is turbo-charged bliss that breaks the scale of daily experiences.
I am a Father and this is my family.
From that moment on things get blurry, but in a good way. I recall snippets. Nurses wiping him with towels as he screamed under the warming lamp, scrambling to get my camera out to take pictures, getting the first weight and length in the Labor and Delivery room, helping the nurse to hold his feet to get footprints for the birth certificate, checking on my wife still in bed, watching him fuss as he was swaddled and then carrying the bundle of happiness to my wife. My adrenaline is pumping just thinking about it - the most intense experience in my life to date. As a dad I recommend you have someone else in the room in charge of taking videos and pictures, because life is far to distracting at that moment to let you document it. But afterward you will want those precious moments recorded for posterity.
This is my new happy place. This is the place in my mind where I can go to channel joy and excitement and energy into my daily life. This is turbo-charged bliss that breaks the scale of daily experiences.
I am a Father and this is my family.
What's in a name?
My wife suggested I start a blog to air out my thoughts about being a new dad, so here I am. Why the name "The Squeaky Chronicles"? I have two of them:
My wife. She's named her blog "The Squeaky Diaries". She is beautiful, she is wise and she is cooler then me, so I shall follow in her path.
My dad. Before he passed away (a year ago on Friday) he would call his grandkids "my little squeakies" whenever they came over to visit. In remembrance of this we've referred to our child, especially while in the womb, as Squeaky. Our son now bears my fathers name as his middle name and so the circle is now complete.
Yes I'm a STAR WARS fan, deal with it. There will be lots more where that came from....
Of course I can't end my first post without mentioning Squeaky himself, Gabriel. Born May 19th, 2009, at 3:50pm, weighing in at 9lbs 2oz and measuring 22 inches long.
My wife. She's named her blog "The Squeaky Diaries". She is beautiful, she is wise and she is cooler then me, so I shall follow in her path.
My dad. Before he passed away (a year ago on Friday) he would call his grandkids "my little squeakies" whenever they came over to visit. In remembrance of this we've referred to our child, especially while in the womb, as Squeaky. Our son now bears my fathers name as his middle name and so the circle is now complete.
Yes I'm a STAR WARS fan, deal with it. There will be lots more where that came from....
Of course I can't end my first post without mentioning Squeaky himself, Gabriel. Born May 19th, 2009, at 3:50pm, weighing in at 9lbs 2oz and measuring 22 inches long.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)